From Zero to Awkward Real Quick

If you thought breastfeeding in public was was a quick way to get some attention from The Judys, try breast pumping. 

I bought a last minute ticket to my cousins wedding in Santa Fe this weekend because two tiny humans all the time equals mama needs a break sometimes! Being an exclusively breastfeeding mama on an overnight sans t.h. comes with its challenges such as, pumping every 2-3 hours regardless of location or opinions of said Judys. First there was the baggage inspection man whose face was priceless. You would have thought I told him I had a vile of herpes in my bag. I literally LOL’d, but needless to say it was the quickest bag inspection ever and he preferred that I repack it. Guess he doesn’t have kids. Next, I suppose I’ve never had to curl my hair in an airport bathroom because I did not realize that outlet access is not really a thing. Having instead to pull up a piece of sky harbor carpet to do the deed, things took a turn from zero to awkward real quick. Now I’m not a shy individual nor am I ashamed but I tried to find the most inconspicuous corner for purposes of public courtesy because, hey, I’m courteous. This is, however, difficult in an airport on a Saturday. So, I would like to apologize to the following individuals who will never read his blog; The man with his laptop trying to be productive having to listen to “that sound” (ree ree, ree ree, ree ree for those of you who are unfamiliar), the security guard who had to get a little too close for his comfort to make sure things were savvy, and the mom who will have to explain to her hormonal middle schooler what the heck was going on under my native blanket I like to call a shawl. 

Babies gotta eat.  #momlife ✌🏻

The Exorcism of Linda Blair

When I was in middle school I watched this movie and it put a fear in me that made me sleep on my parents floor for months. Well I hope I can sleep tonight because I’m pretty sure I just saw this in the flesh but instead of actress Regan MacNeil playing the part on the big screen, it was in fact real life and the leading lady was none other than my almost two year old, the once sweet and smiley Nya.

HOLY FREAKIN’ MOLY!

I’ve realized in my short time playing this role that the word parent is really just a synonym for hypocrite. The biggest hypocrite, because before your own tiny humans arrived and you saw other women trying to rope, rein, and hogtie their own in the super market as they’re throwing coconut water across the store, lying in the middle of the aisle face down screaming or holding their breath turning a hue of blue, and you’re thinking to yourself, “Self, what is wrong with her, why doesn’t she get him under control.” Or “Self, if that were my kid I’d…” Well guess what Judy, put your gavel down and change that thought to “WHEN that’s my kid I guess I’ll ……………(please insert advice here),” because karma is a bitch. And I’m not talking about that friend who is mostly a good time but talks smack behind your back kind of a bitch. I’m talking about that knock your books out of your hands, name calling to your face, take no prisoners, make it her life’s mission to make your life a living hell, real Regina kind of a bitch.

Am I surprised, not really, because separately the Hubs and I were terrible but combined we may have been the worst kid on the planet (sorry again mom), so yeah I saw payback coming my way. But when it slaps you in the face, pulls your hair, and puts a hopefully non permanent ringing in your left ear (quite literally) it catches you a little off guard. Almost like an out of body experience where everyone is staring because now I’m the grocery store mom, and I’m looking down at myself thinking, “Self, how is this MY life?!”

The struggle… it’s real.

More realisms of two under two coming your way soon. Until then,

Bride of Frankenstein

Although it would APPEAR that I stuck my finger in a light socket, that assumption is false. There is however, another equally disturbing reason that I look like the bride of Frankenstein. Ready… Post baby hair loss! That’s right, because as if the bathroom breakdowns, lack of sleep, and unexpected nipple explosions weren’t enough, you lose your hair too!

My sister told me, she warned me but did I listen, heck no! I was in complete and utter denial that this would ever happen to me. I had thick, lucious, shiny locks and they would remain that way…and they did… until they didn’t. About three months post partum, just like wise sissy had said, like clockwork my hair started coming out by the handful! I was clogging shower drains and shedding like a labrador. Waist length black hair EVERYWHERE! Sexy, I know.

It finally returned to normal a couple months later and now it’s coming back with a vengeance! So long top knot, and hello boho braids.

Rosé Lemon Shooters Part Trois

Five days into her first round of chemo Miss Debra has seen better days.

(To paraphrase) “I feel like a Heroin addict. I always wrote off nausea like whatever it’s not a real thing, but OH NO! It’s like the most intense morning sickness meets the worst hangover ever and then some!! I mean considering they’re literally killing everything they possibly can in your body yet somehow keeping you alive, I guess that’s to be expected. Yet, lying on the bathroom floor vomiting violently at 4am repeating to myself, “no one has died from chemo,” I have never felt worse. But that mantra is comforting I suppose.”

Somehow she manages to put these thoughts into words with laughter and a smile and I’m blown away, yet again, by her positivity. Hang in there Deb, this too shall pass!! ❤️ But in the mean time, channeling her inner rocker, more fun hair! (For the full story refer back to Rosé Lemon Shooters)

#shorthairdontcare #suckitcancer


Rosé Lemon Shooters Part Deux

Well lucky for me, I got to see Miss Debra again and this time she left her hair in my hands completely. So for the sake of showing cancer that you can still have a good time in the mean time, we did this….


  

Purple ombré just for the Hell of it! (Plus turns out her boyfriend is some sort of huge University of Washgton fan…. So bonus points! Go Huskies!)

For the full story please refer back to Rosé Lemon Shooters and stay tuned because another transformation is coming our way soon in what Miss Debra like to refer to as, “Operation Baldy.”

Secret, strong enough for a man, but may kill a woman.

Ever flipped the flap on a deodorant label to read the extensive toxins (cough, I mean ingredients) list? If not, get your magnifying glass out and give it a look, it goes something like this…

1. Aluminum Zirconium Tetracholohydrex (try to say that 3 times fast)

2. Parabens like, methyl, ethyl, propyl, benzyl, butyl. Huh? Exactly.

3. Silica

4. Triclosan

5. Talc

6.Propylene glycol

7. Steareth-n (spell check, spell check, spell check)

Just to name a few. Read the full article on what all of this means HERE! (Short version: Cancer.)

Next comes the warning;

DO NOT USE ON, broken skin

TALK TO A DOCTOR before use if you have you have kidney problems

MAY CAUSE irritation or rash.

KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN, if ingested contact poison control immediately…. SAY WHHHAAAAAT!

It’s all there, right on the little old able, but for whatever reason we either don’t read the TOXIC WASTE warning or somehow after reading past the SKULL AND CROSSBONES still feel comfortable putting it on our bodies. Why is that? Well for me it was because I work in close proximity with the general public and slapping them in the face from time to time with the sweat free, baby bottom fresh aroma of secret was a better alternative than a ripe, glistening, au natural body cavity. Don’t get me wrong some people are totally into that sort of thing but uh…. not the Scottsdale folk. Sweating is natural, you should sweat! Sweating is your bodies way of detoxifying your system, so anti-perspirant( on top of all the chemicals) is actually the worst thing you can do, hence why you smell a little like sour chicken if you don’t wear it for a few days. It is literally your body purging out the chemicals, doing it’s best to get back in balance. Our bodies are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.

One day I said to myself, “Self, there must be a better way.” So I set out on a mission to find the best natural alternative, and trust me I had some less than stellar smelling adventures along the way (sorry babe). I tried them all, Toms, Natural essence (and every other natural deodorant under the sun), rubbing alcohol on a cotton ball, pure virgin coconut oil (which I use for everything by the way… more on that later), the list goes on, you name it I tried it. Finally, somewhat exasperated, I set out to make my own deodorant and after tampering with quite a few recipes I came up with one that works for me. Now this recipe is NOT and anti-persperent but I have never been a super heavy sweater and don’t mind to sweat, for me it is more about the scent.

What you’ll need: (HINT: Amazon prime members need not leave the couch : )

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Deodorant Containers

1-2 TBS Organic Virgin (unrefined) Coconut Oil, whatever brand you like (I use the Sprouts brand)

2-3 TBS Beeswax.

1/4 (ish) cup Arrowroot Powder

1/4 (ish) cup Baking Soda

5-10 drops Tea Tree Oil ( some people may not LOVE the smell of tea tree but it is an anti bacterial oil, you could also try eucalyptus, or peppermint but I find tea tree works best for me)

5-10 drops of whatever other essential oil you like for fragrance.

1.Melt the beeswax and oil together in a double boiler that you have, or just put a heat safe (glass or meta)l bowl on top of a pot of boiling water.

2. Add essential oils and all other ingredients together. stir until you get a thick paste like consistency, should be runny.

3. Remove from heat and quickly pour into deodorant container. The mixture starts to harden quickly so work with purpose.

4. Put the cap on and refrigerate until solid.

I live in Arizona where the weather is as spicy as the food, so I like to add a little more beeswax than some recipes call for so that the mixture stays solid, but if you like it a little creamier add more coconut oil. Also if you are more of a “heavy sweater,” add more of the powders. And that’s it, it’s that easy!

This recipe is tried and true, as I now have all the girls (and some of the guys) at work using it! All of these ingredients are safe, natural, moisturizing, and even better no more need to have poison control on speed dial.

KICK ROCKS SECRET!

Rosé Lemon Shooters

Your rushing out the door, because today is like any other day. Shower, hair, makeup, maybe breakfast if you have time. Already running late, you go outside to get into your car but wait, today is not like every other day because today there is A MOUNTAIN of lemons in your freaking driveway! “What the”. . . you get it, this is Arizona and citrus is everywhere but, WHO would have, WHO COULD have put those there, and more importantly why are they PINK??? You hate pink. You start looking for options. At first glance it seems impossible. Not only do you have ten minutes to be at work but your across the street neighbor is super awkward, the guy that lives next door is suddenly and conveniently allergic to citrus (weird), and everyone else on the block does the snowbird thing and just happen to be out of town. Then the phone rings and it’s one of your dearest and oldest friends. You frantically tell her the situation, “No problem, be there in a few and i’ll bring my juicer!” She states. She arrives at lightening speed and you start juicing. You’ve now come to terms with the situation and just as you’re getting into a rhythm the trash guy comes by and tells you that Waste Management has just instated a new law regarding large quantities of citrus dumping. Not only do the lemons have to be juiced but also peeled. A new green initiative. “Perfect”, you think to yourself, “I never wanted these lemons, why do I have to deal with the mess!!” This is just too much to handle. Soon enough word get’s out (around social media of course) about your pink citrus problem and people start coming out of the woodwork to help in anyway they can. Some you call friends, some you call acquaintances, and some are utter strangers, but none the less they are there, within minutes your pink citrus problem is under control and you’re on your way. You’re late to work, your hair is a wreck, you’ve sweat your makeup off, and you smell like a dive bar that’s been doused in lemon pledge but you’re there. You’ve made it and now you have one hell of a story to tell.

If you’re Debbie Geiger this will seem comical because it is my ridiculous translation of her very real situation.

Lemons = Breast cancer. First Obstacle = Double mastectomy follow by reconstructive surgery. (the same day) New twist= 8 rounds of aggressive chemotherapy.  Social Media Enthusiasts= The amazing community of friends and family who are always there to help.

I sometimes wake up all Elle Woods with my first world white girl problems (y’all know what those are) like, “GAH! I’m so irritated my nail appointment was cancelled today because I was 15 minutes late.” or “I guess I’ll have to drink tap water since my bottled water service didn’t deliver on time !” and I think it’s the end. She wakes up with breast cancer and despite all the obstacles passed and those to come, still remains one of the most positive and strong people I know. It’s inspiring.

When you’re a bad ass like Deb, life throws you a driveway full of pink lemons and you make enough rosé lemon shooters to go around….And when life throws you chemo you change your hair often until you can’t.

So we spent our day doing this… I’m thrilled to be part of this process and there will be many more looks to come so stay tuned!! Until then keep miss Deb in your prayers.

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